Struggling to Survive…

I had a dream last night that I was with one of my old boyfriends (the one who seems to constantly pop up in dreams, I’m sure you’ve heard of him before). Well, I was trying to leave him and I was terrified because I knew that if I tried he would try to kill me. I remember sneaking in his house while it was dark and he was sleeping (because that’s the best time to try to get your stuff: when someone’s sleeping in the same room). I tried to be quiet but when I got downstairs he woke up and I heard a roar throughout the house. I took off and jumped in a car and sped off. I had a feeling of trepidation when I was driving away and constantly checked the rear view mirror because I knew that it wouldn’t end that easily. I’m not sure if he actually followed me or not but next thing I knew I was knocking on the door of a farmhouse for help because I knew he wouldn’t look for me there. When my alarm went off I was still trying to get help.

It’s an interesting dichotomy; yearning for the past, yet being glad it’s the past. Sometimes I think that I was happiest when I was in College or just graduated, but then other times I realize that I wasn’t happy, I was naive. I sometimes worry if I’m ruining the present by not realizing how satisfied and fulfilled I am now, here.

If things had been left to play out with BC I would be a woman who is disrespected and unloved. I would be a woman who’s sole purpose is to bow to the whims of her man. I would not be able to stand up for myself and I would not know who *I* was. If things had remained that way I would not have worked at MindSpring and therefore wouldn’t have met some of the best people in my life: Tony, Clay and Mel. I wouldn’t have moved to Dallas and met my best friends Patty & Dave. I wouldn’t have known what I was capable of.

So rather than yearning for the past or trying to live in the past I need to focus on the present and the future. I need to work on making sure that my husband is happy and that I am happy so we can remain happy together forever.